The first thing that came to mind as I sat at my word processor was how do I write about this without sounding maudlin? I may be many things, but maudlin is not one of them.
And I am not in some kind of funk… quite the contrary… with
a few exceptions, I am feeling… and most folks tell me I am looking… much
younger than my age which (by the way) is just short of ninety by 22 months.
88… the number of keys on a full sized piano. A double lucky
number in the culture of the Chinese. 88 also represents abundance and
introspection in numerology, and there is a vast amount of references to the 88
Buddhas in that religion. The Hindustan Times (a journal I feel safe in
presuming is probably not on your regular reading list) states:
“… number 88 is often associated with financial wealth;
it holds a deeper meaning. It signifies an increase in various forms of
abundance, including better health, the development of your skills and talents,
and personal growth. This abundance is directly linked to your focus and hard
work. If you’ve been actively working towards your goals and dreams, this
number serves as confirmation that your efforts will be rewarded.”
That’s a big “if.” At 88, I am none too sure I am actively
working toward anything. Whatever, … 88, in ways both good and bad, is what it
is I have.
It really is okay. I find that I rather enjoy the moment when
I reveal to dinner mates that not only am I the oldest guy in the room, but
that I have (usually) been on the planet at least a decade, maybe two, longer
than they. There is also the side benefit of younger friends being a partial
solution to the problem of having so many of one’s contemporaries passing on.
Alan Trustman (mid-90s) who was not only a big help with my
first memoir, Cagney & Lacey… and Me, but who was a neighbor
on Fisher Island and a terrific dinner companion, recently died. So did one of
Hollywood’s top lawyers, Susan Grode (87), who also helped me with that first memoir.
Both of my two college roommates recently passed away as well. Other than my
children and grandchildren, those two men were my primary… virtually only… true
connection to my native state of California despite it being the place of my
birth, multiple marriages, my career, and my formal education (from entry into
the public school system at age 4 through graduation from the University of
Southern California in 1959).
My second memoir, Before and After Cagney & Lacey,
will be out later this year and while preparing an index of names referenced in
the book, I came to realize that over 80% of those people mentioned are no longer
among the living. The only good news in this is that it substantially reduces
the number of folks who might sue me for what I have written.
I awoke from a nap the other day realizing that in my
afternoon’s dream I had been visited by my father… twice. You do not have to
have read my two memoirs to surmise that my father was not a uniquely
significant figure in my life’s story. Aaron Rosenzweig was a decent, good man
but not of enough import to invade my sleep. True, he wasn’t asking me to
“crossover” or anything like that but nevertheless, I found the “visit”
disconcerting.
“… still, thou art blest, compar’d wi me!...” wrote
Scottish poet Robert Burns, in his ode to a mouse, continuing, “The present
only toucheth thee: But och! I backward cast me e’e, on prospects drear! An
forward, tho I canna see, I guess an fear!”
Universal as this meditation on existential dread may be, I
don’t think I dwell on the subject to excess. But it does tend to keep me
wondering.
There is a time, early in life when you wake up with a pain
and resolve to get to the chiropractor or the gym to get it “fixed.” Fifteen or
twenty years later, that pain comes along, and you realize that you will most
likely have to deal with it for the rest of your life. The next phase is when
you wake up with a pain and wonder… is this the thing that will take me out…
permanently?
I have come to understand that unless one has a terrible
disease, such as cancer or some kind of major organ failure, most of us die
relatively unexpectedly without really knowing what hit us. And since most of
us have never died before, it is a mystery as to what that thing is that will
end it all.
I am in no hurry for anything like the end of days and,
always happy to quote from “My life is good,” the Randy Newman lyric
which pretty much says it all. Yet I do realize that at 88 the number of years
left is most definitely finite. Still, I am not doing much to prepare. True, I
had a will drafted… that was years ago. I have a couple of trustworthy
executors (decades younger than me, I hasten to add).
I have written about The Romeos (Retired Old
Men Eating Out) with whom I have lunch once a week. They are
all slightly older than me and each of them talk as if they want to live
forever while I continue to scan life’s highways for the right exit ramp.
There are one or two others in my life in this age group.
They are, for the most part, attractive and successful gentlemen. I could, I am
sure, work harder at getting each of them to philosophize with me about all of
this. Of course, that would be an easier assignment if they were not all so
hard of hearing.
What’s it all about, Barney? With apologies to Burt
Bacharach and Hal David, it just may be the basis for memoir number three…
maybe with a piece of cover art featuring that haunting “visit” from dear old
dad.
Barney Rosenzweig